What is a warrior?

My inner warrior self—that’s what our dance teacher was asking me to get in touch with. She was right—it was essential to the dance that we each go there, that we find our warrior self and express that in our dance. The first choreography I had learned with this loose group of women was a cheerful dance with big skirts that we waved about. I am admittedly a more masculine woman than most, but it was still pretty innate—the twirl in your pretty dress thing. I loved it on a superficial girly level, but also because I was rejoicing and thriving in a healing and fortifying community with dancing women.

I’m not a shy warrior and at the outset I was very excited and interested in a warrior dance. I had been part of a martial arts dojo and recognized some of our dance sequences from Kata martial arts exercises… front kick, side kick, back kick. I thought this was no problem until we had to do the entire dance with sticks in our hands. My big pretty skirt was a much more forgiving prop than this 3 foot bamboo stick. The stick was no prop, it was a weapon. It’s considerably harder to put someone’s eye out with your skirt. I was at a loss to handle this damned pole and even more confounded about ‘dancing with weaponry’. How could I get over the violence of thrusting a stick right in my partner's face and the fear of all these sticks flying around like this? How was this a dance? Why was I even hung up on this? That stick became my foe for some time… a warrior at battle with her weaponry. I must be special. That stick betrayed every pause and insecurity—damn that stick! Dances with sticks—this thing was worse than a cane dance. I kept getting hung up on the violence. To add to the challenge I had come into this dance with an injured hand and could not allow the stick to put pressure on a certain part of my palm.

So all the while, as suggested by our teacher and director, I’m wondering what it is that I can direct my warrior energy towards. No doubt such a dance and exercise would develop capacities in me and raise energy in its performance and receipt. Where was I to focus my warrior energy? Whose ass needed kicking? It was pretty much a 'no brainer'—the California Department of Corrections needs an enema. I settled on that colossal foe, since it has become our state’s default plan for mental health and drug addition treatment for select portions of our population. I couldn’t take it down maybe, but I could wound them and get their attention perhaps… me and my bamboo stick out there on that stage. I would fight the fight of fierce compassion—the fight of Tara, Kuan Yin and Mother Mary. But where in all that does it tell me... what do I do with this damned stick!?!

Over the 6 weeks that we learned and practiced our warrior dance, many people in my life got a taste of that warrior energy… mostly my husband. I’m already outspoken and obnoxious, so this just made me overpowering and intent in my manner about some things which meant a great deal to me. Nothing bad happened, but I was ‘different’ and I have been ever since. The pace was very fast for me considering I spent the first half of the classes getting over my stick. I struggled the whole way. I just barely got the choreography by the night of the second and last performance. Only afterward can I laugh at the whole thing—mostly my absurd attitude to begin with. I set out with a lot of arrogance and readied to meet my foe as warrior woman. What I found was that I had to work so hard and stretch so far out to what I wasn’t even sure I could accomplish—the focus or foe in the whole mental construct began to loose prominence. My goal then became to survive the experience and to somehow be stronger for it. I learned where to focus the force and will of my warrior self, but more importantly for me--how much needs be directed out and how much is best kept for myself as a fortress to meet the unknown and the difficult personal limitations, circumstances and entities I may encounter. It was a struggle. No one ever got hurt with a stick throughout all of this, but we had our moments collectively and individually. Getting the steps correct is a different experience than being changed by those steps and bringing that into one’s movement and expression. This dance--this awakening and refining of my warrior self--was a transformative experience that I will long benefit and grow from.

I still relish the finale of that dance as I came at the audience fiercely kicking and charging forward blocking any blows with my pole firmly and confidently braced in my palms. Fierce warrior cries came up from the depths of my being…

“Look you all!!! I learned this dance!!!”

“You see! My body, mind and will are stronger now!”

“You cannot get in the way of what I will accomplish!”

“Look out! Here I come!”

Thanks Pam